The Truth.

Friday, August 29, 2014

[via]

I've been avoiding my blog lately for a couple of reasons but mainly because I'm in a major slump. While we've been doing all kinds of exciting things, I have honestly been feeling really depressed.

The truth is, life can be really crappy sometimes, even when you're doing all the fun stuff.

The truth is that behind all of the colorful photos with their fancy filters, there's a lot of pain and frustration in my life.

I can sit here all day and talk about our crab feasts and our weekend plans, fun recipes I've found and books I've read, but posting those things right now would reflect the total opposite of my real emotional state.

Life just sucks for me right now. With my job. With sick family members. With stress. With frienships. With my anxiety.

I feel like I've completely and totally lost control and that I've almost forgotten who I am. I'm running around trying to pretend like I'm okay and that life is great right now, but it's not. I'm really not okay. I've never felt more alone and helpless than I do right now. I'm so confused as to what I'm supposed to be doing and which direction I need to go. So many people seem to have opinions about where I should be in life with my career, with children, with school, with our house.

Sometimes it's outright. "Laura, you won't be happy anywhere else. I know you and I know you won't succeed in any other job setting. Remember how much we've invested in you." Or, "Only one class a semester? How can you stand it? I mean, I'm taking three classes at a time. I can't imagine going that slow!"

Sometimes it's subtle. "We wanted to have as many kids as we could in our twenties because once you get into your thirties, there are just so many risks. And no one wants to do that to their kids."

I feel so torn. Like I'm being pulled in thirteen billion directions and as hard as I keep tugging back, trying to stay true to myself, I'm splitting at the seams. Everyone seems to have thoughts about where I should be... except for me. It's incredibly difficult to listen to your own heart with so many other voices telling you how to live your life.

I know that there are brighter, happier days ahead. I know things will work out in the end. I know I will feel better eventually. But right now, I don't care about any of that. I have no energy for the happy stuff and I can't continue to mask the fact that I don't feel alright. It would be wrong for me to try and portray anything else.

I'm honestly not trying to throw a pity party or anything. I'm just sharing the truth. Hopefully this weekend I'll be able to relax and work out some of the kinks and return next week feeling a little better. Thank God for long weekends.

6 comments:

  1. All I can say is ... Amen! Everyone has to have an opinion.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SERIOUSLY. When did this become okay? I certainly don't try to push my opinions on other people like that! Ugh. Good to know I'm not alone!

      Delete
  2. It is crazy how other people always seem to think they know what is best for us. They want to define who we are or could be. Put limitations on us based on their narrow view of us. Sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch. Don't let the nay sayers decide decide what's best for you. Only you know your truth and you will find it. :) Have a great and relaxing long weekend. Hope things turn around soon. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Tabitha! I really appreciate it :) I don't know why people think this is okay but it's something I'm trying to learn to ignore. Hope you have a great weekend too!

      Delete
  3. I'm sorry to hear about this Laura. Keep in mind, though, life has a way of turning around. :) Trust yourself and try not to listen to anyone else - everyone has their opinion about where we should be in life, or how we should be living it. Here's to hoping this week will bring you out of this mood. I've not been the happiest lately either, but yesterday this all turned around with some simple news that overshadowed all the problems I had. Hope this weekend lifts your spirits up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much, Andrea :) I am already feeling a TON better after this long weekend and I'm hoping that my week continues going up from here. I'm so glad things worked out for you recently, too! Sometimes, you end up getting exactly what you need, when you need it.

      Delete