Wednesday, October 29, 2014

“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.” - Anne of Green Gables

This quote has been floating around in my mind lately.

October. The air is crisper, the leaves are falling, and life is shifting gears. With all of the hustle and bustle of the season, there's so much change swirling around.

People are decorating their porches with bright orange pumpkins, bales of hay, and beautiful blossoming mums. Pretty photos of carefully decorated tables, spiced lattes, bonfires, and cozy boots are popping up on every page. Everyone is busy with something. Preparing and baking and readying their homes to welcome guests this season. Everyone seems to be taking full advantage of the spirit of autumn, trying to make the most of the daylight while we've still got it.

And me? Well, I'm just sort of taking it all in. I haven't carved a single pumpkin or raked a single leaf. I haven't decorated my porch or sipped any cider or done much of anything at all, actually. I'm just sort of stuck.

October is usually a time when I feel most alive. Every year, when the summer heat gives way to the cooler mornings and evenings, I feel my soul awaken. I'm typically moved by the change of pace that autumn brings, but not this year.

This year I'm standing still. When everything around me is in transition, all I can bring myself to do is watch. Day in and day out I sit quietly, observing. Reflecting. Grieving. Trying to decide what Octobers mean to me now. I'm still reeling from loss, trying to pick up the pieces, and carry on like the rest of the world. But, no matter how hard I try to enjoy the normal things, the elements that make October beautiful, I can't see past how very different this October feels. How much this October has changed me. How much this October has changed all the future Octobers.

I'm still very glad to live in a world where there are Octobers, but it's going to take some time to adjust to this new reality.

1 comment:

  1. I definitely understand where you're coming from. My grandfather passed away on Christmas Eve so last year's Christmas day was such a blur and I know the upcoming holidays are going to be different without him physically with us.

    I try to find comfort in moving through each day, one day at a time. Not forcing a lot upon myself on the days that seem overwhelming.

    Don't pressure yourself into feeling like you have to do conventional "fall" things if you don't feel like it. One day you'll feel up for it and it'll be more enjoyable when you can do just that...actually enjoy.

    It definitely takes adjusting. There are still days where I think he's going to walk through the door because there's no way he can be gone. But then I think about how he'd want me to live, and the plan God has set for me and my family, and I feel stronger.

    My cousin lost her son when he was 15 after he was hit by a car while riding his bike. I once overheard her tell someone what she says to herself or what words give her strength on the hard days: "when you live, in part, for their spirit your life will have meaning again." It's always something that comforts me. :)

    I'll be praying for you & your family!